Note: These listings are not necessarily in ranked order.
Top 5 Celebrities I Would Bang
Megan Fox - Duh.
Rihanna - Just make the hair somewhat normal, and I am all in.
Brooklyn Decker - She looks like that and she's only 24! Seriously?
Lindsay Lohan - So she's gone to jail for stealing diamond necklaces and stuff, but so did Jesus if I recall correctly. As long as she hasn't done blow in the past few hours, game on.
Avril Lavigne - Something about a girl I loved in high school who has Fuck tattooed on her side just does it for me.
Top 5 Celebrities I Would Marry
Kate Beckinsale - Hot vampire wife who looks even better in pajama shorts like in Click.
Rachel McAdams - Rachel McWifewife. nuff said.
Natalie Portman - I have been in love with her even since that alien monster tore her shirt in Attack of the Clones. Then when she rapped about shoving her foot down my throat until my shit's in her shoe, I lost it. I will happily pay for her dry cleaning for the rest of my life.
Scarlett Johansson - I really don't care if she's crazy and dumped Ryan Reynolds. His loss, my gain, her upgrade.
Zooey Deschanel - I really can't explain this one, but Zooey, I do.
Top 5 Celebrities You Might Call Me Crazy for, But I Want Nothing to Do With
Kim Kardashian - Yeah she's hot, but not the hottest woman ever like I hear so much. Maybe if she had her vocal chords removed we would talk. Haha, I crack myself up.
Taylor Swift - Something about her face makes me think she always just got done sucking on a lemon. Also, I would not want to have to break up with her and have her write a song entitled, "Kevin is an Asshole."
Anne Hathaway - I don't get anyone who likes her. She is funny looking with flabby legs.
Gisele Bündchen - She is super hot, but I don't think I have it in me to spend time with a supermodel outside of the bedroom and not beat the living shit out of her.
Demi Moore - You old, bitch!
Just so all you hot celebrities reading this are not confused, I may be willing to move you from the bang to marry list or vise versa, so do not be too discouraged. Also, they were not top 10 lists, so if you didn't make the cut, I may still be willing to settle.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Bro Translations
We all know that women say one thing, and mean something completely different all the time. As Bros, we usually say exactly what we mean, but there are a few exceptions. Women do this in order to test people or just because they are bat shit crazy. It is much harder to tell why a man might say one thing and mean another, so I came up with a list of phrases and their translations to explain why a bro might say the things he does.
Phrase: Just leave me bro!
Translation: This bro may be getting attacked by zombies and selflessly telling the rest of the group to save themselves. In this case, save the bro if possible, if not, honor his sacrifice. Also, an inebriated bro might say this while his bros are trying to leave the strip club because he has been blinded by an attractive shot girl with his favorite drinks, a large rack, and a habit of rubbing his head and giving him neck massages. In this case, it is the other bro's responsibility to recognize the situation and take the bro away for the sake of his wallet.
Phrase: Save me bro!
Translation: I'm a little bitch and cannot get out of this situation under my own power; leave my pansy ass.
Phrase: No, of course you don't look fat in that (blank).
Translation: Bitch, enough with your insecurities. Obviously you are attractive enough to be seen in my company, and that should be enough to satisfy you. Shut the hell up, just shut up.
Phrase: Come at me, bro!
Translation: I want to look tough in front of some chicks, but I really don't want to fight. If I did, I would just walk up to you with my chest extended and beat your fucking face in.
Phrase: I don't care.
Translation: I really don't give a shit. If I had an opinion I would tell you, because I am a man, damn it. Make a fucking decision already.
Phrase: I love you.
Translation: Making the sex with you is awesome, and you are a cool enough chick to hang out with. We've been together for a while, and I feel like if I don't say this I won't get laid as much. Oh yeah, feelings and stuff too.
Phrase: Damn that girl is hot, but I'm not gonna go talk to her. You do it.
Translation 1: I must have just come from the beach, because there is sand all up in my vagina.
Translation 2: I need a triple shot to refill my confidence tanks.
Phrase: Just leave me bro!
Translation: This bro may be getting attacked by zombies and selflessly telling the rest of the group to save themselves. In this case, save the bro if possible, if not, honor his sacrifice. Also, an inebriated bro might say this while his bros are trying to leave the strip club because he has been blinded by an attractive shot girl with his favorite drinks, a large rack, and a habit of rubbing his head and giving him neck massages. In this case, it is the other bro's responsibility to recognize the situation and take the bro away for the sake of his wallet.
Phrase: Save me bro!
Translation: I'm a little bitch and cannot get out of this situation under my own power; leave my pansy ass.
Phrase: No, of course you don't look fat in that (blank).
Translation: Bitch, enough with your insecurities. Obviously you are attractive enough to be seen in my company, and that should be enough to satisfy you. Shut the hell up, just shut up.
Phrase: Come at me, bro!
Translation: I want to look tough in front of some chicks, but I really don't want to fight. If I did, I would just walk up to you with my chest extended and beat your fucking face in.
Phrase: I don't care.
Translation: I really don't give a shit. If I had an opinion I would tell you, because I am a man, damn it. Make a fucking decision already.
Phrase: I love you.
Translation: Making the sex with you is awesome, and you are a cool enough chick to hang out with. We've been together for a while, and I feel like if I don't say this I won't get laid as much. Oh yeah, feelings and stuff too.
Phrase: Damn that girl is hot, but I'm not gonna go talk to her. You do it.
Translation 1: I must have just come from the beach, because there is sand all up in my vagina.
Translation 2: I need a triple shot to refill my confidence tanks.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Feelings
So this tipsy week, I decided to write about feelings. Feelings are an interesting topic to me, since I understand them, but I have taught myself to not experience them. Therefore hence so be it, I can post an unbiased message about them.
Webster's dictionary describes "feelings" as an irrational influx of thoughts that confuse and influence a normal human being to act in such a way that makes him or her seem like a sissy bitch. Wow, Nathaniel and I actually agree on this one. In all likelihood, I should be one of these sissy assed bitch fools that feels things, but I have discovered the solution. Barney Stinson and I had a long conversation one night at McClaren's Pub that made me see the world differently. Feelings do nothing for a man but make him feel incredible joy and crushing pain. Sure the joy part is great, but you can synthesize that feeling through other means without the side effects. Alcohol and certain hallucinogenic drugs are a great place to start. Debilitating alcoholism is certainly a way to feel the incredible joy of love, youthfulness, and bliss with minimal side effects including nausea, hangovers, and immature foolishness.
Now ladies, I know this may sound bad. Maybe I cannot enjoy the lovey dubby middle school MTV drama shit that I know that women want to experience, but I can definitely make your heart melt with a personalized love song sang by none other than multi-charcoal artist, Kevin Mahan. Also, I have no problems with a sexy woman feeling irresistible emotions towards me when I pull "The Move" on her. (If you laughed at that, just ask Chris Earnest how I almost turned him gay by showing him 1/3 of the move, and how he strongly objected to me showing his wife The Move because he knew his marriage would never be the same after my penis would have been invited inside everyone within a 500 ft radius.)
I think I have strayed away from the point a bit. I'm sure that my point is not clear so far, so here it is. Feelings are not for me, but they do serve their own purpose. Without feelings, "game" would not mean diddly shit. Feelings give guys like me who are only a 9.3 a chance to beat out those morons who are naturally gifted 10's.
Thanks God for giving women feelings so that evil and intelligent men may take advantage of them for boobies in our faces. Amen.
Webster's dictionary describes "feelings" as an irrational influx of thoughts that confuse and influence a normal human being to act in such a way that makes him or her seem like a sissy bitch. Wow, Nathaniel and I actually agree on this one. In all likelihood, I should be one of these sissy assed bitch fools that feels things, but I have discovered the solution. Barney Stinson and I had a long conversation one night at McClaren's Pub that made me see the world differently. Feelings do nothing for a man but make him feel incredible joy and crushing pain. Sure the joy part is great, but you can synthesize that feeling through other means without the side effects. Alcohol and certain hallucinogenic drugs are a great place to start. Debilitating alcoholism is certainly a way to feel the incredible joy of love, youthfulness, and bliss with minimal side effects including nausea, hangovers, and immature foolishness.
Now ladies, I know this may sound bad. Maybe I cannot enjoy the lovey dubby middle school MTV drama shit that I know that women want to experience, but I can definitely make your heart melt with a personalized love song sang by none other than multi-charcoal artist, Kevin Mahan. Also, I have no problems with a sexy woman feeling irresistible emotions towards me when I pull "The Move" on her. (If you laughed at that, just ask Chris Earnest how I almost turned him gay by showing him 1/3 of the move, and how he strongly objected to me showing his wife The Move because he knew his marriage would never be the same after my penis would have been invited inside everyone within a 500 ft radius.)
I think I have strayed away from the point a bit. I'm sure that my point is not clear so far, so here it is. Feelings are not for me, but they do serve their own purpose. Without feelings, "game" would not mean diddly shit. Feelings give guys like me who are only a 9.3 a chance to beat out those morons who are naturally gifted 10's.
Thanks God for giving women feelings so that evil and intelligent men may take advantage of them for boobies in our faces. Amen.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Just Being Awesome
Damn diggity, thinking of a post idea is harder than I thought. Therefore, I decided to blog about a mix of what my friends were saying and what I interpreted all that junk as; just plain ol' awesomeness. Webster's dictionary defines the word awesome as, "being the bomb diggity, tig ol' bitties, dick suckin', bar raisin', proletariat achievin', gangsta livin', bitch offendin', only 'bout twat thinkin', no good to society, but still funny as shit, asshole." Damn, I love apostrophes. Anyways, here is a list of things that are awesome.
1. Painting X-Men in your dining room.
For those of you who do not know, this is the incomplete 1 of 5 x-men that are going in my dining room. You might say this is childish, but if you look deep inside yourself you will realize that you are only saying that because you are either too much of a pussy or a mature chlamydia-wipe to appreciate great art. Also, for those of you who have been to the abode of Chris Collins, you may think that I am stealing his ideas. First of all, he painted the AVENGERS in his LIVING ROOM. I am doing the X-MEN in my DINING ROOM. Although these maybe similar concepts, they each contain aspects of originality and awesomeness. And, yes, I may have only thought of this because of Collins' place, was Rembrandt not be inspired by Da Vinci? That is a serious question because I have absolutely no knowledge of art history, but I am sure that certain artists inspired others; and awesomeness was created by all. Test: ask yourself to rate my project in terms of awesomeness on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being totally lame, and 10 being the most awesomest thing ever. If you rated it anything less than a 52, it's not your fault. Your aunt and uncle were the ones who decided to fuck, knowing the risk that you would come out as a complete and total retard. Or am I the retard for painting comic characters from my childhood in my dining room? No, because retards cannot surpass a 3 on the awesomeness scale, and I scored a 52! Whew, that was close. Shitballs, that is a lot for #1, so onto #2.
2. Watching funny videos online containing lines that bring women back 90 years and actually saying those line to real women. ie. Lee Lance telling married women at a club that they smell like his asshole. I have also tried one of these lines, but it was not one of my greatest moments, so we need not tell that story.
3. Getting absolutely shitfaced on a Tuesday when you have work the next morning. Sometimes, the drunken mid-week stories trump the ones when all your friends are shitty right there with you. To me, the kind of attitude that allows you to have one of the nights of your life on a random workday is definitely worth the terrible feeling the next day, the boss asking you if you are fucking retarded, and only 2 and 1/2 hours of restless sleep you get that night.
4. Telling a superior either in rank, position, or age to suck it, bitch. Even if you make it seem like a joke but in actuality is a truthful open invitation, this is nothing less than awesome.
Well #1 took a lot out of my brain, so I will stop for now. Updates will come as the beauty of the dining room reaches its full brilliance.
If you have benefited or been inspired by this blog, please tell your friends, so they can too be blessed by these priceless words.
1. Painting X-Men in your dining room.
For those of you who do not know, this is the incomplete 1 of 5 x-men that are going in my dining room. You might say this is childish, but if you look deep inside yourself you will realize that you are only saying that because you are either too much of a pussy or a mature chlamydia-wipe to appreciate great art. Also, for those of you who have been to the abode of Chris Collins, you may think that I am stealing his ideas. First of all, he painted the AVENGERS in his LIVING ROOM. I am doing the X-MEN in my DINING ROOM. Although these maybe similar concepts, they each contain aspects of originality and awesomeness. And, yes, I may have only thought of this because of Collins' place, was Rembrandt not be inspired by Da Vinci? That is a serious question because I have absolutely no knowledge of art history, but I am sure that certain artists inspired others; and awesomeness was created by all. Test: ask yourself to rate my project in terms of awesomeness on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being totally lame, and 10 being the most awesomest thing ever. If you rated it anything less than a 52, it's not your fault. Your aunt and uncle were the ones who decided to fuck, knowing the risk that you would come out as a complete and total retard. Or am I the retard for painting comic characters from my childhood in my dining room? No, because retards cannot surpass a 3 on the awesomeness scale, and I scored a 52! Whew, that was close. Shitballs, that is a lot for #1, so onto #2.2. Watching funny videos online containing lines that bring women back 90 years and actually saying those line to real women. ie. Lee Lance telling married women at a club that they smell like his asshole. I have also tried one of these lines, but it was not one of my greatest moments, so we need not tell that story.
3. Getting absolutely shitfaced on a Tuesday when you have work the next morning. Sometimes, the drunken mid-week stories trump the ones when all your friends are shitty right there with you. To me, the kind of attitude that allows you to have one of the nights of your life on a random workday is definitely worth the terrible feeling the next day, the boss asking you if you are fucking retarded, and only 2 and 1/2 hours of restless sleep you get that night.
4. Telling a superior either in rank, position, or age to suck it, bitch. Even if you make it seem like a joke but in actuality is a truthful open invitation, this is nothing less than awesome.
Well #1 took a lot out of my brain, so I will stop for now. Updates will come as the beauty of the dining room reaches its full brilliance.
If you have benefited or been inspired by this blog, please tell your friends, so they can too be blessed by these priceless words.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
First Blog Ever
So I recently discovered the wonderful world of blogging thanks to a conversation with one of my favorite wives, Nina. I'll admit that up until a few short hours ago, I thought that blogging was what it was called when fat, "blobbish," people attempted to start a fitness routine by running, or "jogging." I never knew that it was a way for me to let loose the fucked up and insane thoughts that run through my head on a constant basis. That being said, here it goes!
I guess that a popular blog topic is upcoming holidays. The closest one I can think of is Halloween. I don't really care too much for this holiday, since I never did stupid shit like trick-or-treating as a kid. I do, however, have some opinions on what fine bitches should dress up as on this one night of the year. People say that October 31st is an excuse for any girl to let out her inner-slut, so I am here to help all the young, attractive women of the world with ideas on how to dress. Being very blunt, this is what I want to see this year from all you attractive women who might actually read this.
1. Angel
By dressing as a sexy angel, you actually are saying, "I am anything but the winged being I resemble, and need a piece of man-meat thrusted deep inside me now!" Let me be clear. A Halloween angel should not look like this:
Get it? She was on Touched by an Angel, that show that we all watched when we were 12. A true Halloween angel should look like this:
Yes, the wings here are very elaborate, but you get the picture; bra, panties, a halo, wings, and a tight fucking bod.
2. Demon
Could there be a better complimenting costume to your best friend in an angel outfit who you may or may not have had a threesome with? Hell no. And I'm sure that you know what kind of demon I am talking about, but just for illustration:
3. Vampire Chick
I am definitely not talking about Dracula's bride here. I'm talking about the Kate "Sure, you can suck my blood as long as you touch my wiener too" Beckinsale kind of vampire. I hope nobody needs help getting a sexy image of this in their head, but in case you need some assistance:
4. Baby Doll from Sucker Punch
Many of you may not have seen this movie, or thought twice about it if you did, but something about a sexy blonde with pigtails wearing a school girl's outfit carrying a katana and a .45 makes my pants infinitely tighter.
Ladies, I hope you get the point. And who knows? Maybe all you fine women out there will get lucky this year and I will choose a costume where my sexy body is exposed as well.
If I offended you in this first post, I am not sorry. If I did not, I will get to you soon, especially if you are a woman. My next post should come sometime before 2012, so stay vigilant! Peace bitches!!!
I guess that a popular blog topic is upcoming holidays. The closest one I can think of is Halloween. I don't really care too much for this holiday, since I never did stupid shit like trick-or-treating as a kid. I do, however, have some opinions on what fine bitches should dress up as on this one night of the year. People say that October 31st is an excuse for any girl to let out her inner-slut, so I am here to help all the young, attractive women of the world with ideas on how to dress. Being very blunt, this is what I want to see this year from all you attractive women who might actually read this.
1. Angel
By dressing as a sexy angel, you actually are saying, "I am anything but the winged being I resemble, and need a piece of man-meat thrusted deep inside me now!" Let me be clear. A Halloween angel should not look like this:
Get it? She was on Touched by an Angel, that show that we all watched when we were 12. A true Halloween angel should look like this:
Yes, the wings here are very elaborate, but you get the picture; bra, panties, a halo, wings, and a tight fucking bod.2. Demon
Could there be a better complimenting costume to your best friend in an angel outfit who you may or may not have had a threesome with? Hell no. And I'm sure that you know what kind of demon I am talking about, but just for illustration:
3. Vampire Chick
I am definitely not talking about Dracula's bride here. I'm talking about the Kate "Sure, you can suck my blood as long as you touch my wiener too" Beckinsale kind of vampire. I hope nobody needs help getting a sexy image of this in their head, but in case you need some assistance:
4. Baby Doll from Sucker PunchMany of you may not have seen this movie, or thought twice about it if you did, but something about a sexy blonde with pigtails wearing a school girl's outfit carrying a katana and a .45 makes my pants infinitely tighter.
Ladies, I hope you get the point. And who knows? Maybe all you fine women out there will get lucky this year and I will choose a costume where my sexy body is exposed as well.
If I offended you in this first post, I am not sorry. If I did not, I will get to you soon, especially if you are a woman. My next post should come sometime before 2012, so stay vigilant! Peace bitches!!!
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