So this tipsy week, I decided to write about feelings. Feelings are an interesting topic to me, since I understand them, but I have taught myself to not experience them. Therefore hence so be it, I can post an unbiased message about them.
Webster's dictionary describes "feelings" as an irrational influx of thoughts that confuse and influence a normal human being to act in such a way that makes him or her seem like a sissy bitch. Wow, Nathaniel and I actually agree on this one. In all likelihood, I should be one of these sissy assed bitch fools that feels things, but I have discovered the solution. Barney Stinson and I had a long conversation one night at McClaren's Pub that made me see the world differently. Feelings do nothing for a man but make him feel incredible joy and crushing pain. Sure the joy part is great, but you can synthesize that feeling through other means without the side effects. Alcohol and certain hallucinogenic drugs are a great place to start. Debilitating alcoholism is certainly a way to feel the incredible joy of love, youthfulness, and bliss with minimal side effects including nausea, hangovers, and immature foolishness.
Now ladies, I know this may sound bad. Maybe I cannot enjoy the lovey dubby middle school MTV drama shit that I know that women want to experience, but I can definitely make your heart melt with a personalized love song sang by none other than multi-charcoal artist, Kevin Mahan. Also, I have no problems with a sexy woman feeling irresistible emotions towards me when I pull "The Move" on her. (If you laughed at that, just ask Chris Earnest how I almost turned him gay by showing him 1/3 of the move, and how he strongly objected to me showing his wife The Move because he knew his marriage would never be the same after my penis would have been invited inside everyone within a 500 ft radius.)
I think I have strayed away from the point a bit. I'm sure that my point is not clear so far, so here it is. Feelings are not for me, but they do serve their own purpose. Without feelings, "game" would not mean diddly shit. Feelings give guys like me who are only a 9.3 a chance to beat out those morons who are naturally gifted 10's.
Thanks God for giving women feelings so that evil and intelligent men may take advantage of them for boobies in our faces. Amen.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Just Being Awesome
Damn diggity, thinking of a post idea is harder than I thought. Therefore, I decided to blog about a mix of what my friends were saying and what I interpreted all that junk as; just plain ol' awesomeness. Webster's dictionary defines the word awesome as, "being the bomb diggity, tig ol' bitties, dick suckin', bar raisin', proletariat achievin', gangsta livin', bitch offendin', only 'bout twat thinkin', no good to society, but still funny as shit, asshole." Damn, I love apostrophes. Anyways, here is a list of things that are awesome.
1. Painting X-Men in your dining room.
For those of you who do not know, this is the incomplete 1 of 5 x-men that are going in my dining room. You might say this is childish, but if you look deep inside yourself you will realize that you are only saying that because you are either too much of a pussy or a mature chlamydia-wipe to appreciate great art. Also, for those of you who have been to the abode of Chris Collins, you may think that I am stealing his ideas. First of all, he painted the AVENGERS in his LIVING ROOM. I am doing the X-MEN in my DINING ROOM. Although these maybe similar concepts, they each contain aspects of originality and awesomeness. And, yes, I may have only thought of this because of Collins' place, was Rembrandt not be inspired by Da Vinci? That is a serious question because I have absolutely no knowledge of art history, but I am sure that certain artists inspired others; and awesomeness was created by all. Test: ask yourself to rate my project in terms of awesomeness on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being totally lame, and 10 being the most awesomest thing ever. If you rated it anything less than a 52, it's not your fault. Your aunt and uncle were the ones who decided to fuck, knowing the risk that you would come out as a complete and total retard. Or am I the retard for painting comic characters from my childhood in my dining room? No, because retards cannot surpass a 3 on the awesomeness scale, and I scored a 52! Whew, that was close. Shitballs, that is a lot for #1, so onto #2.
2. Watching funny videos online containing lines that bring women back 90 years and actually saying those line to real women. ie. Lee Lance telling married women at a club that they smell like his asshole. I have also tried one of these lines, but it was not one of my greatest moments, so we need not tell that story.
3. Getting absolutely shitfaced on a Tuesday when you have work the next morning. Sometimes, the drunken mid-week stories trump the ones when all your friends are shitty right there with you. To me, the kind of attitude that allows you to have one of the nights of your life on a random workday is definitely worth the terrible feeling the next day, the boss asking you if you are fucking retarded, and only 2 and 1/2 hours of restless sleep you get that night.
4. Telling a superior either in rank, position, or age to suck it, bitch. Even if you make it seem like a joke but in actuality is a truthful open invitation, this is nothing less than awesome.
Well #1 took a lot out of my brain, so I will stop for now. Updates will come as the beauty of the dining room reaches its full brilliance.
If you have benefited or been inspired by this blog, please tell your friends, so they can too be blessed by these priceless words.
1. Painting X-Men in your dining room.
For those of you who do not know, this is the incomplete 1 of 5 x-men that are going in my dining room. You might say this is childish, but if you look deep inside yourself you will realize that you are only saying that because you are either too much of a pussy or a mature chlamydia-wipe to appreciate great art. Also, for those of you who have been to the abode of Chris Collins, you may think that I am stealing his ideas. First of all, he painted the AVENGERS in his LIVING ROOM. I am doing the X-MEN in my DINING ROOM. Although these maybe similar concepts, they each contain aspects of originality and awesomeness. And, yes, I may have only thought of this because of Collins' place, was Rembrandt not be inspired by Da Vinci? That is a serious question because I have absolutely no knowledge of art history, but I am sure that certain artists inspired others; and awesomeness was created by all. Test: ask yourself to rate my project in terms of awesomeness on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being totally lame, and 10 being the most awesomest thing ever. If you rated it anything less than a 52, it's not your fault. Your aunt and uncle were the ones who decided to fuck, knowing the risk that you would come out as a complete and total retard. Or am I the retard for painting comic characters from my childhood in my dining room? No, because retards cannot surpass a 3 on the awesomeness scale, and I scored a 52! Whew, that was close. Shitballs, that is a lot for #1, so onto #2.2. Watching funny videos online containing lines that bring women back 90 years and actually saying those line to real women. ie. Lee Lance telling married women at a club that they smell like his asshole. I have also tried one of these lines, but it was not one of my greatest moments, so we need not tell that story.
3. Getting absolutely shitfaced on a Tuesday when you have work the next morning. Sometimes, the drunken mid-week stories trump the ones when all your friends are shitty right there with you. To me, the kind of attitude that allows you to have one of the nights of your life on a random workday is definitely worth the terrible feeling the next day, the boss asking you if you are fucking retarded, and only 2 and 1/2 hours of restless sleep you get that night.
4. Telling a superior either in rank, position, or age to suck it, bitch. Even if you make it seem like a joke but in actuality is a truthful open invitation, this is nothing less than awesome.
Well #1 took a lot out of my brain, so I will stop for now. Updates will come as the beauty of the dining room reaches its full brilliance.
If you have benefited or been inspired by this blog, please tell your friends, so they can too be blessed by these priceless words.
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