Feelings

So this tipsy week, I decided to write about feelings. Feelings are an interesting topic to me, since I understand them, but I have taught myself to not experience them. Therefore hence so be it, I can post an unbiased message about them.

Webster's dictionary describes "feelings" as an irrational influx of thoughts that confuse and influence a normal human being to act in such a way that makes him or her seem like a sissy bitch. Wow, Nathaniel and I actually agree on this one. In all likelihood, I should be one of these sissy assed bitch fools that feels things, but I have discovered the solution. Barney Stinson and I had a long conversation one night at McClaren's Pub that made me see the world differently. Feelings do nothing for a man but make him feel incredible joy and crushing pain. Sure the joy part is great, but you can synthesize that feeling through other means without the side effects. Alcohol and certain hallucinogenic drugs are a great place to start. Debilitating alcoholism is certainly a way to feel the incredible joy of love, youthfulness, and bliss with minimal side effects including nausea, hangovers, and immature foolishness.

Now ladies, I know this may sound bad. Maybe I cannot enjoy the lovey dubby middle school MTV drama shit that I know that women want to experience, but I can definitely make your heart melt with a personalized love song sang by none other than multi-charcoal artist, Kevin Mahan. Also, I have no problems with a sexy woman feeling irresistible emotions towards me when I pull "The Move" on her. (If you laughed at that, just ask Chris Earnest how I almost turned him gay by showing him 1/3 of the move, and how he strongly objected to me showing his wife The Move because he knew his marriage would never be the same after my penis would have been invited inside everyone within a 500 ft radius.)

I think I have strayed away from the point a bit. I'm sure that my point is not clear so far, so here it is. Feelings are not for me, but they do serve their own purpose. Without feelings, "game" would not mean diddly shit. Feelings give guys like me who are only a 9.3 a chance to beat out those morons who are naturally gifted 10's.

Thanks God for giving women feelings so that evil and intelligent men may take advantage of them for boobies in our faces. Amen.